Fire Emblem: Sacred Stones v2 point 0
by Bokaj Rellim
Summary: So much better than the real game. Now with 10,000 percent more OC. It's not as bad as it sounds. Honest. Lol, it wouldn't let me use a period in the title.
1. Prologue Or Something

**Okay, okay, WHAT. Why am I starting another fanfiction? I can't even consistently update any of the ones I already have started, let alone all of them.** **When was the last time I updated any of them? I don't even remember.**

**This was sitting in my documents folder on my laptop. It was mostly finished when I found it, and I liked it enough to spend a few minutes to finish the chapter off, so I figured I'd post it here for the hell of it.**

**That being said, don't expect an update for this, or anything else, anytime soon. All this is, is a lucky occurrence of luck. I don't even remember when I actually wrote this damn thing in the first place.**

**The concept behind it I still remember though: To retell Fire Emblem: Sacred Stones while replacing every god damn fucking character in the game with a unique OC.**

**I'm not a big fan of most original characters.**

**So obviously the best way to counter this trend is to replace ALL of the characters with original characters. Right? Riiiiiiigggghhhh?**

**Agree with me dammit!**

**Okay. I'm done ranting for now. I was going to say more, but then I'd probably just hurt someone's feelings. And despite the fact that I love crushing the feelings of others into dust, I'm in a somewhat agreeable mood today.**

**So just shut the fuck up and read. I'll spell-check it some other day.  
**

_**Disclaimer:**_ **I don't own anything but the characters. All of them. They're mine, and you can't have them.**

* * *

**Prologue: The Fall of Renasis?**

_In an age long past…evil flooded over the land._

It was a good time to be evil, that's for sure.

With mankind on the brink of destruction, they had no other option but to pray to the heavens for help.

Shit happened.

And then stones. Pretty sacred stones at that. All shiny and stuff.

And everyone knows evil hates shiny objects, so a great hero threw the stones at all the evil in the land, sealed it all up, and it was good times…

…

…

For some 800 years, the continent of Magvel has been at peace, rather than in pieces. Sure, there would be an occasional argument over some silly landmark or whether this prince would marry that princess, but all of that is just par for the course when it comes to monarchic politics, and none of it ever led to war.

Oh yeah, those stone things. They're still there too apparently.

Anyway,

It is now the year 803. The peace that all of Magvel has known has been swept away. The Grado Empire, led by Emperor Waldo, has just staged an attack on the kingdom of Renasis. Of course, nobody expected it. Why would Grado ever suddenly invade Renasis? They were allies!

Oh, but it happened anyway. Renasis didn't know what hit them. Grado forces swarmed in fast and hard, stealing away Renasis territories one after another. Eventually Grado made its way to Renasis castle, having taken over every other piece of land Renasis owned.

And did I mention the Prince of Renasis went missing?

It's just one of those days, I suppose…

…

…

-Renasis Castle-

One of the guards that watched the front gate stormed into the throne room, and hastily approached the king, a worried expression on his face.

"Your Majesty, I bear bad news!" he cried, "Grado has already breached the castle!"

"I understa-"

"It's too late! WE'RE DOOMED! DOOOMED! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DI-"

"Get a hold of yourself generic solider #348! Is this how a member of the Renasis military acts during a crisis!"

"…I apologize Your Majesty. I'll make sure to practice my doomsaying on my own time from now on."

"Good, good. Now return to your report."

"Oh, right! We've lost our whole garrison, and Prince Cyan has gone missing. What are we to do?"

The king of Renasis thought for a short moment, but the only course of action he could come up with made him sick to his stomach.

"What else can we do? Order your men to lay down their arms. We have no choice but to surrender…"

"…Yes…Your Majesty…"

The solider turned and left, grudgingly, to give his troops the orders to give up. At this moment, the Princess of Renasis approached her haggard father.

"Um..." Despite the current going-ons, she still had a small smile playing on her lips. Her hair was turquoise, her eyes were turquoise, and even her clothes were turquoise. The only thing that wasn't turquoise was (thankfully) her skin. Did I mention she looked rather turquoise? Oh yeah, and she was smiling. The smilee is the main point here. Seriously.

"Oh, Teal…" The king still held a small sliver of hope. If Renasis were to fall and him along with it, at least his daughter should have the chance to escape. "Are you still wearing the bracelet I gave you?"

"No." Teal frowned slightly, "It's ugly, so I threw it away years ago."

"Good." The king turned his attention to the armor-clad figure at his side, not really paying attention to the answer his daughter gave him. "Reynold. Take Teal and get away from here. Head for Frelia, and seek shelter there."

"Uh, uh, Yeah. Yeah! I can do that!" spoke the paladin, "But, uh, Your Majesty…what about you?"

"Me? I'm staying here. Despite our long friendship with Grado, they attack us with such force! I must know the meaning behind it, even if it costs me my life."

"Oh, okay." said Teal.

"Works for me." said Reynold with a shrug.

The princess of Renasis jumped up on Reynold's steed (which he was riding inside of the castle for some reason) and both she and Reynold bolted towards the castle's front gate.

"W-Wait! No!" cried the king, "I was just being dramatic! You were supposed to talk me out of it and let me come with you!"

But unfortunately for the king, neither the princess nor the paladin heard his shouts, for they were already outside. And even worse was that the enemy was already moving in.

"Oh, blast."

…

Somewhere in a different time, in a different place, a certain blue-haired lord sneezed. But then remembered that he was supposed to be dead, and went back to being a corpse.

But then couldn't decide which game's time-line was currently taking place parallel to the one you're currently reading about, and managed to get himself stuck in limbo.

"I was never good at this whole thinking thing…" he said to nobody in particular.

…

-Outside Renasis Castle-

Teal and Reynold had just escaped the castle, along with a pegasus knight by the name of Kyle, who was sent as extra protection. You can never be too cautious with the life of a princess after all. They stopped momentarily to gather their wits and decide on the best course of action.

"General Reynold!"

"Huh? Oh yeah! Kyle!" The paladin hadn't even noticed the pegasus knight following him up until now.

"I almost missed you two on your way out. Luckily I was riding my pegasus indoors for some reason!"

"My, how convenient that we both decided to ride our steeds indoors."

"I'm not convenient, I'm prepared! The Shemale of Justice is always prepared!" said Kyle with an overbearing sense of pride.

"…Erm. Right."

Now most pegasus knights were uniformly female, with male pegasus riders being a rather rare occurrence. Although, it was more that most of the males considered riding a frilly, winged horse around with a silly little slim lance around to be too feminine for their many selves.

Kyle was an exception in more ways than one, because he had both male and female parts. And he took pride in this. Unlike other human beings that were born with both male and female body parts (like some sort of divine fuck-up), who would be tormented and looked down upon, Kyle would utterly crush any and all prejudice against his gender issues with his over-blown confidence and pride.

He recently started calling himself the "Shemale of Justice" in an attempt to act as a super-role-model for other people suffering from his…special gift to the world.

Of course, none of this really had anything to do with his decision of becoming a pegasus knight. In reality, he just couldn't decide between shooting a bow and riding a pegasus. In the end he decided make his own life easier and do both at the same time. It marked him as the first pegasus knight in the history of history to ever decide that, "Hey! Instead of being afraid of bows, let's just use bows to kill people with bows before entering the range of said people with bows!" And of course, with the help of gravity, one doesn't even have to be within range of the silly archers down below with their feet still stuck somewhere on the ground.

Now ballistae were another story, but you can't really expect to cover everything by yourself, now can you?

Anyway, where were we? Oh, yes, dialogue.

Reynold continued from where he left off before being disrupted by a giant wall of explanatory text.

"Since you're here Kyle, and you have that super-fast flying taxi of yours, I want you to fly ahead to Frelia."

Reynold paused for a second, unsure of where he was going with this line of talk.

"Uh, it would be a good idea and stuff. And, uh…oh! Yeah! You can tell them we're coming and maybe…maybe…uh. Get reinforcements?"

The insecurity of what Reynold felt while trying to come up with some sort of feasible plan was lost on Kyle, who just saluted, said "Yes, sir! Shemale of Jusice away!", and flew off towards Frelia.

"Uh. Well there it goes."

Teal left out a small giggle. "Yes. It's so cute and adorable. I want one for myself."

"W-W-What?" the paladin turned and faced the princess with disbelief, "You want…oh my."

"Huh?" she gave the general a small quizzical smile "Does Reynold not like pegasi…?"

"Wha- oh! OH! You were talking about the pegasus!" Reynold let out the breath he didn't even realize he was holding.

"…What did you think I was referring to exactly?"

"Oh, uh…nothing! Nothing at all!" the paladin quickly regained his composure "A-anyway, princess, we really need to get g-OHMYGODISTHATAWYVERN?"

Unfortunately for Reynold, a wyvern was indeed rapidly approaching. Or rather three of them. And being winged creatures, they were approaching rather quickly.

"Ack! Princess, we must flee from here!" Reynold pleaded.

"Huh? But you're a big scary paladin, Reynold! Protect me."

"WHAT? I can't fight three of them!"

Teal just gave Reynold an innocent smile. "Protect me."

"I'll protect you by running away!"

She climbed off of the horse. "Protect me." she repeated.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" By now the squad of wyverns had already closed in on the two. The antics of the princess were interesting enough to warrant taking a break from their murderous intent just long enough to watch events unfold for a bit.

"Making you protect me, silly." The smile never left her face.

"What is she? Crazy?" one of the riders muttered in awe.

"She's kind of creepy, actually…" responded one of the others.

"B-but! I forgot my lance in the castle! How am I supposed to fight a wyvern rider with a sword! It's impossible! Because…because…WEAPONS TRIANGLE!" Reynold was starting to panic. Things were going badly.

'You're so strange, Reynold. All you have to do is stab it until all of its blood has soaked into the ground." She left out another giggle.

"WHAT KIND OF SICK LOGIC IS THAT?"

Teal just smiled at him again. "You can do it. I believe in you."

"Uh…w-well."

Reynold seriously doubted anything good was to come of charging a wyvern head on with a dinky little sword, but he didn't have many other options if the princess wasn't going to cooperate.

He steeled himself before charging forward, his sword raised into the sky.

"FOR RENAAAASSSIIIIIIIIII-" He made it to the foot of the wyvern. The wyvern's rider stretched, yawned, and threw a javelin.

"Ahhh…" The javelin pierced Reynold straight through the chest.

"Oh…" said teal, holding back yet another giggle, "Looks like you couldn't do it after all."

"Ugh! Ret-retreaaaat!" gasped the paladin, as he turned his horse around and willed himself to get away.

Reynold pointed his horse over towards where Teal was waiting. She hopped up quickly.

"I guess I can let you try your idea no- oh. Reynold, you silly. How do you expect to command a horse to flee if you're unconscious from blood-loss?" Teal smiled and took the horse's reins. "I guess it's up to me then. Let's go, Mr. Horsey."

Teal and the unconscious Reynold galloped away from the castle into the nearby valley.

The small band of wyverns didn't follow.

"Hey, boss! What gives?" asked one of the riders, "We aren't going to follow them and finish the job?"

The leader gave a disinterested glance backwards at the rider. "You can if you want, but we've been off the clock as of five minutes ago. I'm just going to go get drunk in some tavern."

"Oh! Well whaddaya know! Our shift IS over! Let's get the hell outta here."

"Sounds good to me." replied the third rider.

And so the wyverns left in the opposite direction as the princess and her paladin. They were soon replaced by the next shift of bad guys - a group of axe-wielders. Really ugly ones at that. Yuck!

After putting a significant distance between herself and the nasty bad guys, Teal stopped to…well she stopped. Who needs a reason to take a breather? Honestly.

After a few minutes of waiting around, checking to make sure she didn't misplace anything, and that Reynold was still unconscious and bleeding to death behind her, she went about the most effective way she could think of as to reawaken her fallen paladin.

And by most effective, I mean she just kicked his limp body off of the horse, face first into the dirt.

"OOF! U-ugh." Reynold struggled to stand back up, his chest wound burning and his mouth now full of earth. "What in the world made you think that would work princess?"

"Well it did, didn't it?" she beamed.

"Well…I suppose." He groaned.

"Now be a good pally. Get on back up here and take control of the horsey."

"…Can't I just rest for a second, princess? My chest is killing me. Quite literally I fear."

"Oh you'll live. It's just a big gaping infected stab wound! Brother has survived plenty of them at least. That's why I stopped using lances and switched to something easier to stab with!"

"W-WHAT?" _Is she saying what I think she's saying?_

The princess looked at Reynold inquisitively. "Did I say something strange, Reynold?"

"H-huh? I, uh, no! NO! Not at all! I totally wasn't thinking that you tried to murder your brother! No way!"

"Oh Reynold." She giggled "You can be so ridiculous sometimes."

_Oh thank goodn-_

"Of course I tried to murder him!" Teal waved this fact off as if it was common knowledge, "I can't very well take over the world if Brother becomes the next king of Renasis, now can I?"

"…I…see…" was all Reynold could manage to squeak out.

"Oh! Now look at where all this babbling has gone, Reynold!" She looked back the way they had come. A trio of big, burly, ugly (like super duper extremely ugly times a hundred or so), ax-wielding thugs were casually skipping their way toward the two like frilly school girls. "You spent so much time complaining that these flamboyantly homosexual lumberjack men have managed to catch up to us!"

"Princess, I think they're charging us…"

"Well that's some pretty girly running then!" she stifled a laugh with her hand, "Not even I run like that."

Reynold climbed back up on his horse as fast as he could manage. "Princess, I think we should get out of here! We're in no conditi- "

"Oh, but you look just fine!" she gave him another one of those smiles he was beginning to dread, "So just take your trusty sword and go show them what for!"

"B-But! WEAPONS TRIANGLE!"

"Yes. You're at an advantage this time. What about it?"

"Oh. Damn." _It would have been better to leave without a weapon at all!_

"Oh come now, Reynold. You can take a couple of lumberjacks, can't you?"

"W-well." Reynold started, unsure of himself, but then brightened considerably after a moment, "Well, I guess you're right! I can handle some stupid axe-freaks!"

Reynold turned his horse around, and prepared himself for the Fighter coming towards him.

"CHAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-"

"Oh! But don't overdo it! You're still bleedi-"

"-RRRRRRRRG—GAH!" Reynold's wounds pulsed with pain, and he stumbled off of his horse before ever making it to his enemy. He hit the ground with a heavy thud. His sword landed on the dirt next to him—with a much softer thud.

"Oh, Reynold…" Teal sighed, "You're not very good at this whole protecting thing are you?"

The Fighter, slightly confused at the sudden turn of events, just shrugged and switched his target to the princess.

_This seems too easy, _the Fighter thought to himself. _But whatever gets me paid I guess._

"Oh well." A girlish smile graced Teal's face as the Fighter advanced on her position. She drew her rapier. Reynold could have sworn that he saw her innocent smile twist into something sinister and slightly psychotic at the moment right before he blacked out.

Ah, but he was probably just imagining things. Probably.

_Roughly 30 minutes later_

"Heeeeyyy Reynoooolllddd." Teal was poking away at Reynold's body with a stick when he finally came to again.

"Wha- ow! Hey! Stop it!"

"Huh? Oh, you're awake Reynold! That's good. I don't have to leave you here to rot after all."

Suddenly Reynold remembered the predicament they were in before he so graciously decided to take a nap in the middle of combat.

"PRINCESS! ARE YOU INJURED?"

"I'm fine, silly." she giggled, "You're the one that's practically dead!"

Now that his eyes had focused, Reynold realized that he was sitting among various lumberjack-like appendages. The ground was largely stained red, as was the princess's clothes. Although being turquoise, the clothes were more brownish-looking than red.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?" Reynold suddenly felt sick again.

"What do you mean, Reynold?" Teal tilted her head inquisitively "All I did was protect myself from the nasty lumberjack guys. I mean, you obviously weren't going to do it for me."

"YOU CALL THIS SELF-DEFENSE?"

Teal giggled. "What else would you call it?"

"SLAUGHTER!"

She gave Reynold an innocent smile. "Maybe."

"…Maybe…MAYBE?"

Teal prodded an ear lying inconspicuously on the ground with her foot. "Hmmm." Teal suddenly looked up at Reynold with a wide grin. "I guess I was having too much fun and got carried away."

"…Fun." Reynold was frankly disturbed.

"Oh! Oh yeah!" Teal reached into a pouch hanging from the horse's saddle. "You should probably use this Vulnerary, Reynold." She handed Reynold a small bottle of medicine. "That is unless you want to die. That's okay too!"

"…We had a Vulnerary the whole time?"

"Of course, silly! More than one in fact!"

"You have to be kidding me."

Teal just smiled at him. Reynold poured the bottle's contents on his wounds.

"OW! OW!" Reynold screamed in pain, "THIS ISN'T MEDICINE! IT BURNS!"

Teal giggled. "Oh. Silly me! I gave you the rubbing alcohol! Here, use this one instead."

"..." Reynold wordlessly exchanged the bottle of rubbing alcohol with the Vulnerary.

_This girl is a demon! I swear she's trying to kill me! _He thought to himself momentarily, before focusing on the problem at hand.

"W-well I…uh…We need to get moving! Yeah! Kyle is waiting for us and all that!" Reynold attempted to climb up onto his horse, his previous injuries forgotten. Of course, attempt was all he did. "Uh, princess."

"Yes Reynold?"

"Where's our horse?"

Teal pointed somewhere behind the paladin. "You wouldn't wake up, and I got hungry, so I took the liberty of making food out of it." As the princess said this, Reynold turned around to find a pile of relatively large bones, and a sizable amount of blood.

He thought he was going to be sick again.

"I dried some of the meat out so we could take it with us." Teal reached into one of their bags for a second and pulled out a piece of dried horse meat. "You were out for awhile. Want some?"

Reynold was sick.

Teal giggled. "Guess not."

After Reynold regained his composure, he realized a crucial issue. "Princess, what are we going to do without a horse?"

Teal thought for a moment before responding with "I guess you're going to have to walk to Frelia."

"What do you mean by 'you're' exactly…?"

"Exactly what it sounds like silly!"

"But what about you?"

"You're going to carry me of course." Teal smiled at him.

"Wh-WHAT?"

"Now get down on your hands and knees."

Reynold blinked at that. "Uh."

"My horsey is gone, so now you have to be my replacement horsey Reynold."

Reynold stood in silence, waiting for the princess to tell him that she was joking.

"You're kidding right?"

Teal just smiled.

Reynold got down on his hands and knees. '_Why me?_' he thought briefly. Just briefly. Because Teal jumped up onto his back, and her weight in addition to his injuries caused him to collapse in pain. "GUH!"

Teal laughed at his expense. "Oh, I guess I forgot about your injuries." Reynold struggled to get up. "You should probably be careful Reynold. If your wound re-opens and you lose anymore blood, you'll probably die."

"D-DIE?" _I'm going to die!_

"Yeah, probably." Teal frowned. "And then I'd have to walk."

Somehow, despite all odds, Reynold managed to get moving with the princess riding on his back.

"We need to get you a saddle Reynold. You're not very comfy."

Reynold just stayed silent, trying to think about something other than his current predicament.

"Reynold. You don't make any clippie-cloppy noise like a horsey does. Go 'Clippity-Clop' while you're moving so you sound like a horsey."

"What? No!"

Teal pouted. "Why nooooooooot?"

"I'll look even stupider than I do already!"

"Oh come on, Reynold! I'll give you a carrot if you do it."

"I don't want a carrot!"

Teal reached into her bag and pulled out a riding crop. "If rewards won't work I guess I'll have to use punishment."

"Ack! No! Clippity-Clop! Clippity-Clop!"

"Yaaay~"

Reynold and the princess continued slowly towards Frellia.

"Clippity-Clop"

Very slowly.

"Clippity-Clop"

Like seriously.

"Clippity-Clop"

They neared the border of Frelia.


	2. Chapter 1 Or Something

**Uh. Hi.**

**Things have been kind of crazy lately, although this is by far nowhere near the longest I have ever gone without updating something for sure.****  
**

**If some parts seem to be of less quality than others, it's probably because I wasn't exactly in a good mood for writing every time I actually sat down to write.  
**

**I didn't actually read it yet though, besides skimming through for spelling errors and stuff. That's just how I write.  
**

**Anyway, I don't have much else to say. Read my shit and then get lost. Maybe review if you have time and actually care. I know I don't.  
**

**_DISCLAIMER:__ I don't own Fire Emblem: Sacred Stones. If I did, the game would be twice as awesome (and it's already pretty awesome), and it would have an Adults-Only rating for large amounts of lesbian mermaid smut. I own the characters. You can have Teal though, she scares me._  
**

* * *

**Chapter 1: Escape? Whatever For?**

When we last left the princess Teal, and her stupidly faithful paladin Reynold, they were nearing the border of Frelia.

"Reyyyynooooollllllldddddd. I'm bored!" complained Teal on top of Reynold's back.

"We're _*gasp*_ almost _*wheeze*_ there princess. "Clippity-Clop. Clippity-Clop."

Granted, at the pace they were going, almost there still meant about five minutes of cut-scenes elsewhere.

Speaking of which…

* * *

**-Somewhere Outside of Frelia-**

A somewhat miniscule squad of Grado soldiers marched towards a tiny, little fort that was just…there for some reason. The squad was led by some fucktarded looking guy in sparkly gold armor.

One of the Frelian soldiers on guard at the fort, for some inexplicable reason, saw this and rushed in to tell the young prince that was inside the fort's walls.

"Prince Andrew! Prince Andrew!"

Andrew looked up from where he was playing with his action figures on the floor. "What, what, what!?" he asked impatiently. "Can't you see I'm busy planning my attack on the Grado forces headed our way?"

"Erm, Prince." The soldier scratched the back of his helmet ineffectively. "They're right outside, planning to conquer your play-fort."

"…"

"…"

"But besides you and Generic Soldier #772 we don't have any units out here at the fort!"

"What should we do Milord? We can't let you be captured by Grado forces!"

The young prince pondered his situation for a moment before replying. "Stick Generic Soldier #772 outside. According to my brilliant tactical intelligence, he should be able to fight them off until you escape to Frelia and come back with reinforcements."

"What about you Milord?"

"I'm staying here because I'm confident in my ability to succeed."

"I don't think that's a good idea Milord! Let me take you to Frelia for safety!"

"Hey! Who's the prince here?"

"W-well. You are."

"Exactly. Now get going!"

The soldier hesitated for a moment. And then decided that he didn't actually care a whole lot, and left. Generic Soldier #772 stood in front of the fort's gate ready to intercept any and all threats like a true professional.

Meanwhile outside, the sparkly golden armor jerk was busy getting a status report from one of his soldiers. "Lord Fabulous! The fort only seems to have a single soldier guarding the entire perimeter! Are you sure this is the right target?"

"Hah! Of course it's the right target! I never make mistakes!" said Lord Fabulous. "And why do I never make mistakes Generic Soldier #1098?"

"Uh." The soldier cocked his head slightly. "Because you're fabulous sir?"

"EXACTLY!" exclaimed the golden knight. "Now you just stand here and watch how fabulous I really am!" He proceeded to march towards the fort's entrance where the lone Frelia soldier waited. Of course, being a fatty-knight, this took roughly 20 minutes.

"HALT IN THE NAME OF FRE-" screamed the soldier.

Lord Fabulous twirled his over-sized lance, and jabbed the thing straight through the generic soldier's naval.

The soldier died instantly.

"Ha! That's what happens when you're not fabulous!" exclaimed the knight.

Lord Fabulous stormed into the fort alone. The rest of the squad wandered around outside waiting for something to do.

Prince Andrew confronted Lord Fabulous head-on, completely unarmed.

"Hey, Fatty! Stop right there!" he cried valiantly. "Take your troops and leave, or I'll be forced to destroy you!"

Lord Fabulous began to laugh "You?! Defeat me? What a fabulous joke!"

The prince took a fighting stance. "I'm warning you! I know Kung-Fu!"

"Don't make an unfabulous fool of yourself kid!"

"That's it! Taste my fist!" The young prince darted towards Lord Fabulous with great speed. His fist collided with the knight's golden armor with a cracking noise.

"AUGH! MY HAND!" Prince Andrew collapsed to the ground. "I BROKE MY HAND!"

The knight laughed even harder. After he got a hold of himself, Lord Fabulous called one of his soldiers inside. "Haha- Lock this kid up – hahaha – somewhere – ha – oh man, what an idiot – hahahaha!"

"Right away oh fabulous one!" Generic Soldier #881 dragged the prince away.

"This day has just been FABULOUS!" said Lord Fabulous with glee. "Hey? Are those action figures? Neat!" The flamboyant knight sat down and started playing with Prince Andrew's toys.

* * *

By this time, Reynold and the princess were just coming within reach of Prince Andrew's play-fort. Reynold was too busy staring at the ground underneath him, so Teal was the first one to notice all of the Grado soldiers running around.

"Hey, look Reynold!" Teal pointed out towards the fort in the distance. "Those dummy soldiers managed to take over a fort!"

Reynold looked up just in time to see that one of the Grado soldiers already spotted them, and was on his way back to tell their commander.

"Princess! What do we do? They've already spotted us!"

"Hmm? Did they?" Teal looked down at Reynold with a grin. "It's okay. If any of them attack us, I'll just have to punish them."

"That's what I'm afraid of." Reynold muttered under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing." said Reynold. "Can't we just go around the fort and head straight for Frelia?"

Teal giggled. "Nonsense. Retaking the castle will be fun~"

_Not for me it won't, _thought Reynold.

"Come on Horsey-Reynold! To that house over there!" She kicked him in the side. "Get a mooooove on!"

"Ouch!" Reynold started advancing towards the random house she pointed at. "Don't be so rough on my kidneys…"

Teal brushed his comment off. "You can live without your kidneys. It's not a big deal."

"It is to me!"

Reynold stopped in close proximity to the house. Teal dismounted, and kicked the door down. "Hi there!"

"AHHHHHHH! GRAD- " screamed an old man. "Huh? Who the heck are you?"

"Just the princess of Renasis."

"…What?"

Teal grabbed a loaf of bread off of the counter and turned to leave. "Okay, I'll be going now! Byyee~"

"HEY! That's my last loaf!"

But Teal was already on top of Reynold and moving again and didn't care or notice.

* * *

**-Meanwhile back at the fort-**

Lord Fabulous was receiving news that the princess of Renasis was coming right to them on the back of some poor idiot.

"Oh today is a FABULOUS day indeed!" gloated Lord Fabulous. "Go capture that princess and bring her here! Kill any unfabulous bastard that gets in the way."

"Yes your Fabulous-ness!" cried the soldiers with a salute.

* * *

**-Meanwhile outside-**

A crazed axe-man took notice of Teal and her loyal steed, and charged forward, with his axe ready to swing. Teal of course saw him charging and hopped off of Reynold's back. Reynold of course was too busy staring at the ground, and got an axe-blade imbedded into his back.

"UAGBUXSVWUCBWIUBXSJAKX" said Reynold.

Teal just giggled, and grabbed Reynold's silver sword. It was very shiny. And also heavy. Teal dragged it on the ground behind her until she was face to face with the axe-dude.

"And just what in the world are ye goin' to do wit that, lass?" The fighter laughed loudly. Or at least he did until Teal jammed the sword into his mouth and forced him to swallow it.

He coughed and sputtered some red stuff. Then he died. Teal wiped the blood off her hands with a smile. "Nothing much."

She turned back around towards where Reynold was, axe still stuck in his back. "Come on silly." She pulled the axe out with a yucky slurping noise, and threw it in with the rest of their weapons. "You can't just sleep on the battlefield you know. What on earth do they teach people in knight school nowadays?"

"…Uuuugguh…" was all Reynold could say in return.

Then teal saw a pegasus knight and an archer in the distance. "Oh look! Kyle is back!"

Somewhere in the far distance Kyle and said archer were just arriving on the scene.

"Joseph, was it? I think we've arrived just a tiny bit too late." said Kyle.

"Aye. Looks like the prince's fort has already been taken over." replied the archer.

"Well at least Frelia's prince is safe, right?"

"Naw. He's nutters. Prolly stayed behind, and then tried to punch through an armored knight, failed miserably, and then got thrown in his own jail cell to be used as a bargaining piece."

"That seems awfully specific."

"He's done it before."

"Oh." was all Kyle said.

Kyle then noticed a turquoise-haired girl somewhere in the distance, standing next to a bloody pile of armor and some dead guy with a sword sticking out of his face.

"Princess Teal and Sir Reynold have managed to catch up too! With my shemale wiles, we should have no problem taking back this random fort in the middle of nowhere!"

Joseph looked away from the pegasus knight of questionable gender. "Uh. Right."

"GRADO WILL FEAR MY ARROWS! SHEMALE OF JUSTICE AWAY!"

Kyle's pegasus rocketed straight up into the sky, before flying off towards the nearest unassuming generic solider.

The solider was busy trying to readjust his oversized helmet so that he could actually see properly, when he felt a pain in his chest, and then warmth. "Hey. What's all this red stuff everywhere?" was the last thing he said, before falling over dead, arrow sticking out of his chest.

Kyle quickly darted away towards his next victim, barely breaking a sweat.

Joseph was still far behind. "Like there's any way I can keep up with that," he said to himself. "Oh well, less work for me." He decided to casually take his time, as he walked in the direction that the pegasus knight darted off in. It's not like he would catch up even if he strained himself, so why bother?

Teal watched Kyle as he flew from soldier to soldier, as she dragged Reynold's unconscious body to the nearest building. "If Kyle keeps this up, there won't be any left for meeeeee." She complained to herself.

Finally a soldier took the initiative and charged towards Kyle. He readied and threw his spear upwards at the pegasus…and then due to Kyle's good friend Gravity, the spear came back down without hitting it's intended target. Unfortunately for Generic Solider 2051 though, he forgot to take consideration of the wind, and the spear ended up landing in his face, killing him in the progress.

A fighter laughed at the poor fool who managed to impale himself. At least until Teal thrust her rapier through the back of his head. The princess took the fallen axe-bro's body and laid it next to where she left Reynold, so that the corpse could keep him company in case he woke up while everyone was still fighting.

Don't want Reynold getting lonely now.

Joseph was still lagging behind.

* * *

One of the few remaining soldiers burst into the fort, disturbing Lord Fabulous from his action figure fun time. "Your Fabulous-ness! It appears that we are losing! What do we do?"

"WHAT?!" Roared Lord Fabulous, scattering little army men everywhere. "Are you saying that all of you are so unfabulous that you can't even kill a few idiots and capture a princess?!"

"Erm…I guess so?"

"YOU PEOPLE ARE WORTHLESS UNFABULOUS MAGGOTS!" Lord Fabulous got up and grabbed his Lance of Fabulous™. "I WILL DEAL WITH THIS UNFABULOUS PRINCESS MYSELF!" Lord Fabulous pushed the soldier out of the way and marched his sparkly gold-colored ass outside as fast as a knight of his obese size could manage.

Lord Fabulous made it outside the fort just in time to witness a crazed gender-confused pegasus wipe out the last of the randomly placed reinforcements with a few well-aimed arrows to the face. All of his original troops were also dead.

The green of the plains was stained with the obnoxiously overblown amount of blood. Fresh corpses dotted the plains like…uh, fresh corpses. Shut up.

Reynold was still where Teal left him.

Joe was still too far away to be of any help.

Kyle was posing triumphantly.

Lord Fabulous was at the entrance of the fort. A bloodied princess stood directly in front of him, rapier in hand, a horrifying grin painted on her face.

"And just what do you think your silly little sword is going to do against my most FABULOUS knight armor?"

"You're pretty dumb." said Teal, right before she thrust her rapier straight through Lord Fabulous's armor and heart.

"…This is so….NOT FABULOUS!" whimpered Lord Fabulous with his dying breath. He crumpled to the ground.

Teal giggled. "Everyone knows gold is too soft to be used as armor silly."

The princess stepped over the, now deceased, body of Lord Fabulous and strolled right inside the fort.

All of the remaining Grado soldiers left in the fort were subsequently brutally murdered.

The soldiers' screams echoed throughout the fort, and were accompanied by Teal's nonchalant humming.

Joseph finally caught up, but heard the sounds emanating from the fort and decided to stay outside with Kyle. Reynold was still off bleeding to death somewhere.

Sometime later, the screams died down and Teal reemerged from the fort. She was dragging a fancily dressed young lad by the arm. He looked absolutely terrified.

"Hey guys! Look what I found!" she said gleefully.

"HELP MEEE!" shrieked the boy.

"Oh! Prince Andrew. You're okay!" exclaimed Joseph.

"Define okay." said Andrew.

"Physically okay!"

"This woman has scarred me for life."

Teal just giggled a bit.

"You shouldn't be so rude to the princess of Renasis." chastised Joseph

"GET ME AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN IMMEDIATELY!" commanded the young prince.

"I have to get you home immediately! The king will have a fit when he finds out what happened here! How many times do I have to tell you not to attack flamboyant knights with your dumb martial arts mumbo jumbo?!"

"Twice apparently."

"Haha!" laughed Teal. "This has happened before?"

"Uh. Like I said before, we're on our way to Frelia ourselves." said Kyle, butting in.

"Oh, yeah! I guess that works out well." said Teal. "Let's go then!"

The bloody princess, the frightened prince, the shemale pegasus knight, and the lazy archer all started off towards Frelia Castle.

* * *

"I feel like I'm forgetting something…" moaned the princess. "But I can't remember what it is."

"It must not be that important if you can't remember it." replied the pegasus knight.

"I guess you're right."

Reynold woke up in pain, surrounded by corpses. "...Where is everyone?!"

* * *

Around the same time, three mysterious strangers of mystery happened to pass through while traveling away from Frelia.

One of them stopped to survey the mess that the princess of Renasis left in her wake.

"What the fuck happened here?" he asked to nobody in particular.

"War." replied another. "Keep moving."

"Yeah, yeah..."


End file.
